you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
