I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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