hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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