There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
