There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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