"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
