Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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