I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's blow job season.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
