How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
