happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
