I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
i think my cat just said my name.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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