I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
