Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My ATM looks so different sober.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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