____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
