My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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