you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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