I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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