Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
