The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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