God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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