On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
