hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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