I'm so fucking centered right now
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
