Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
