it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
