Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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