love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
