Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
