Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize