Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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