I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
