im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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