my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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