you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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