Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
