YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
