Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
