This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
