i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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