Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
