Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
