he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
