the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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