i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
