I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
