could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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