ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he thought i was a dude.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
