Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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