Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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