Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize