Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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