I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
