This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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