i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
