Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
