she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize