I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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