Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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