i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
