Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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